Would do it all over again…

I sit here at this computer, which is not mine but an associates, and wonder what my life has amounted to so far. You see I buried my lovely wife last March. After a few years of her/our battle with her liver failure. We all lost this battle the day she died, and I…I not only lost the love of my life, yet our home also, and thus have been homeless for these many months after her demise. My life has truly been a waking nightmare from which I cannot hide. There is no amount of tears, grief, morning which shall give me solace. I have lost all faith, hope and love. No this is not “dis-pare” this is reality at its core. To find almost everything I believed in to be a lie…a deception…a hard cold mask worn by every human living in these united states. I have seen the ugly underbelly of our world, and it is not a pretty site, no not at all. We parade around in our nice shiny cars, fueling them on dead animals blood and guts. We live in nice homes locking them up from theft, and break in’s thinking…hoping were all safe. We think most people are like “us” with kindness, compassion and such for our fellow-man. When in reality we drive by a homeless person everyday, and pay them no mind at all. Mostly wishing they would just go away so “I” can continue on “my” way unmolested, and undisturbed throughout “my” day. We never think…how did he or she get there on the street? Oh, and of course it must be because they are a drug addict, right? Have you ever stopped and asked? Of course not because were to afraid, afraid of our own shadow’s most of the time unless were locked up in our home’s or our shiny car’s. We never think back to when our own government was caught bringing in drugs to our country. Nor do we want to think that they are still doing such a dishonorable thing to our children, our parents, our friends or the homeless man or woman we see driving to work. This thing about our government happened back I think in the 80’s? Good ol’ “blood and guts” Oliver North was in on it, it seems. This is just the tip of the ice-burg…for what else could they be hiding from us? Kinda makes me wonder sometimes. Yet none of this affects me directly now does it?
I live in a world of darkness most of the time. Wondering what am I going to do being all alone and my wife dead… at 48? I no longer believe in “God” or anything else for that matter. And human kindness is in short supply in these lean years. After losing everything except what I can carry in two bags. Sleeping under tree’s, hiding in bushes at night so not to be seen by my fellow-man or woman. This way of life truly is discouraging, and disheartening on top of everything else that has taken place in the last few years of our/my life. Having no sleeping bag or tent has made it hard because so far none of the charities either have on hand such items or can’t afford “luxuries” as some call them. So I have to layer up from head to toe using the same clothes over & over…washing them out in a creek or stream when I can. And it gets really cold between 2am and 4am making sleep in short supply most nights. Along with the grief, and bereavement I endure I have slept on average 2 to 4 hours per day since I laid my wife to rest. So it has actually been almost a year since I had over 4 hours of sleep, yet most of my sleep is spent in nightmares which soon soak my clothes in sweat leaving me even colder and feeling lost and insecure the rest of the night. So I wait till early dawn so I can move about hoping for a warm cup of coffee if I’m lucky. I have sought professional help through various agencies yet having no insurance or cash for that matter soon becomes a dead-end. I have found out the hard way most if not all people do not want to hear my story for it either is too hard to bear, or considered made up for sympathy’s sake. I have found it is best not to tell most people for it soon ends the conversation, and I so miss a good conversation from the heart. My wife was great for that…we could talk about anything under the sun. I so miss her! Her voice sometimes seems hard to remember to hear upon my torn apart heart. Maybe this is because of the passage of time, my age, or the pain of remembering what I cannot have ever again…her sweet, sweet voice upon my lonely ear longing to hear…”I love you so much my hero, my dear!” For she use to call me her “hero”, and that was the sweetest word anyone ever laid upon my ears. They truly were music to my heart, and it has also been the words which tear at my heart. For I shall never hear those softly uttered words which she said from her heart. Tears flow down my cheeks as I remember her words, and see her worn tired face in my mind…in my heart. She was so ravaged from the fight she had to fight for years. The toll it took upon her was sometimes difficult to watch only because when all is said and done holding her, and being there for her seemed just not enough to ease her pain…her agony that only she could bear in the end. Yet I am glad it was me who was there for her to see by her side day after day. Her hero, her friend, her husband…one flesh, one heart until I had to lay her to rest into the cool earth from where we all have our start. The vows we took say; “until death do us part…” Yet I have learned the hard way that they truly do not tell the truth. For in my mind, and in my heart we shall only part when the beating of my heart ceases from its start.
These are only a part of what is upon this old heart whether I’m asleep or awake. Sometimes I wish I had a real friend to share these things with from the start. Yet as some people know when you suffer such things in life people seem to abandon you as the path narrows. For maybe in reality there is only room for two…until fate takes one of you. Then my question seems to be when will fate take me? For this is truly the loneliest path I have ever tread. I seek relief from this nightmare I dread.

Peace & Blessings~Anonymous~

PS: Do know, that I would do it all over again for her sake!


12 thoughts on “Would do it all over again…

    • I have tried to keep my personal living conditions out of this blog. When I started this it was so I could have a avenue to express, as best I could, my grief, and love for my wives. The one thing I can say about life is it is constantly changing, whether we want it to or not. Kinda like, The Tao Te Ching talks about the “mystery” ever changing, and ever present. Or something like that. I personally don’t want to get into the details of loosing my home. I just have to accept the way things are, and not to loose my own humanity towards my fellow human beings along this path laid before me.

  1. That’s a very moving story. Truly terrible. What do you think you would need to get back on your feet? What can be done for you?

    • First, let me thank you for your comment, it is very kind.
      I truly am at a loss as to what I need besides maybe, a stable roof, in a prosperous city, with mass transit, descent clothing, and for lack of a better word, a miracle of sorts. Thank you.

  2. Hello,

    Im so sorry to hear about your struggles. Reading your story truly makes my heart hurt, Sir. I hope that sharing some of your story has been and will continue to be a therapeutic release. Anything that helps you is time well spent.

    Now, the important part. What can I do to help? I don’t know how much I have to give, or if anything I have to spare will help, but I damn sure want to make the effort. To that end, what size clothes and shoes do you wear? I’ll destroy my closet searching for you and plan on asking some friends for anything they might have to spare.

    There are good people out there, my friend. They’re just difficult to locate at times, especially when you really need them. So here I am 🙂 Let me know how I can help and I’ll do my best.

    I can’t close this out without a nod to a fellow climber, and smashingly good person, that created a post at Mountain Project to ask for help helping you. Had that kind hearted person not done so, I’d never have known, and most importantly, never had a chance to offer you some kind words or lend a hand. Bless them, and bless you, Sir.

    Please feel free to contact me via the email I commented with. I have an ear to spare if you need it.

    Looking forward to hearing from you. Take care and be good.

    Best regards,


    • Matt, I am touched deeply by your generosity, and kindness in this day and age.
      I have been blessed with great loves in my life, and for that alone I would be
      forever grateful. Yet the kindness of our mutual friend, and all of you have shown
      to this old man is truly a gift, and something to be treasured.
      I thank you, with a warm heart for you response.
      Peace & Blessings! ~Anonymous~

  3. Pingback: Paying-It-Forward (Helping Someone Else) | A Free Spirited Woman

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