Bones…

This sadness goes deep, deep into the bones, keeping me from sleep…where I meet you now…in my dreams. This sadness…goes deep, deep into my sleep…deep into these bones.

Peace~

Anonymous~

Writing tool…

Writing tool in hand…Can sing pain or delight, Or, just what I see as my plight? They say: It’s all in perspective. Like some drafting tool…you look through to get it right. The sextant guiding you through life, through your dark night. Yet it’s all in hindsight…that we get some light, and with time it can burn bright. Blinding us to our miss-guided way’s…way’s of pain and delight.

Peace~

Anonymous~

 

 

God helps those…

Just some more words that flow out of me at times. About things which weigh upon this heart of mine. If you forgive the grammatical mistakes…thank you.
These are no directed at anyone, just some thoughts to ponder. Please enjoy.
Peace~

Some tell me; “God helps those who help them selves.” Having read God’s words, more than once, I can honestly say; never, have
I found one ounce of nuance from that quaint lit’l phrase.
Why would God have to, help those, who can help themselves ?
They obviously, have not read the same words as me.
Making what they tell me a lie indeed.
For the words I read, talk of blessing’s coming from above.
Through things like faith, obediance, belief, and love.
How do you sleep, telling lies like these ?
Which speak of; loving your neighbour as yourself,
giving of your abundance which comes from above,
loving your brother, the widow, the orphans, and poor.
Who can’t help themselves, who beg, and implore!
God will not hear your prayer’s, if you won’t fill their need.
Letting loose; war, famine, and disease…
Upon those, who will not, help those who can not help themselves.

Peace~Anonymous

when I was young…

My love, my wife, I had no idea how much being without you was going to hurt. Some day’s, moments seem just to painful to bear any longer, and yet, and yet…I continue to breathe each agonizing moment of this seemingly miserable existence without you my love. I live within such an evil age, soulless people all around me, and not knowing why ? Will there ever be any peace for me my love ? Is there an answer for me ? When I was young, in my teen’s, I knew there was true love awaiting me some where, with someone. Who knew I’d find you, or you found me twenty year’s in our future’s ? Now it’s seventeen year’s past that date with destiny, culminating in your early demise, and now mine without you. I think about staying here in Oregon, yet there is this feeling of something awaiting me out there somewhere ? This feeling scares me, for it means me wondering until maybe another fateful day. Who, what, where, when…how can anyone help me ? Some say; it’s an adventure, just riding the tide…waiting to see what will be, yet this means some how me letting go of my fear’s. Or, does it mean for me to step out on the open road, and trusting in another destiny, another place for me to be ?

I miss you so!

Loving you always ~me~

Peace & Blessings~Anonymous~

four hundred seven days…

My dear love, it’s been four hundred seven day’s sense…my nightmare of solitude, and isolation began, with no end in sight. I wish there was a better report to give my love. I have reached out for help yet every door just slams in my face. No-one seems to either know what to do for me or they just don’t know what to say…then they too just end up walking away. I now live in a world without your light…without your touch…without your loving embrace to comfort me in all these cold, cold nights. My heart has turned to stone with no beat of its own. The other day I actually placed my hand upon my chest to see if it was still beating, and didn’t feel even a thump…no not one. So what am I ? The walking dead ? A ghost that people hear yet don’t or won’t see ? How long must this long lonely walk last for me ? I feel as if I’ve been consigned to a living hell, living in this hollow shell without you. For you were my love, my light…my everything! Now I live in permanence of night, with shadows acting as people all around me. And there being no end in sight for one such as me. My stories to dark for others to see. You see I have a hole within me only I can see. When I try to show others what has become of me…they just turn their heads ashamed to have even known me. I search for answers to this pain I bear…yet there is nothing but my disrepair. The last four hundred seven days has been the end to my undoing. I miss you so fucking much, and there is no magic that can change that truth. There is no undoing. Someone asked about the rings I wear, so I told them what we shared, and they asked; why do you wear them ? There is no explaining this to one who has to ask. Another one said; well you just need a new path in life…I’m sorry but I just had to laugh. Like a crazy old man, I laughed till I cried then fell down and wanted to die. Yet there is no death for me, no not yet. For I’m not a coward as you know my love, yet no one but you saw that in me. So I trudge this unlighted path laid before me, not knowing whats coming in this darkest of nights in this loneliest of lives. Who could have contrived such a torturous existence for one such as me ? People say; God loves you, and I say; REALLY ? Did you not hear what I just said or are you just trying to make yourself feel better by playing down what I have laid before you because it’s just too much to bear. Priest, and Preachers don’t even know what to say or do with me. They have been some of the most cruelest of shadows playing as people you would never want to meet. They actually dread hearing my story, they shrink, and won’t look me in the eye…saying things like; pray! Well brother, don’t you think I’ve prayed ? Watching you slowly die, and decay for eight hundred days…night and day I prayed, and what did that accomplish ? Me becoming widowed and homeless in this darkness that has become me.

Missing You Always~me~

Peace & Blessings~Anonymous~

day’s blend…

Babe, the day’s blend one into the other, and the sense that I’m going nowhere only makes this impossible situation even worst. It’s mind numbing…missing you…being homeless…alone all of the time. Knowing that all I have to look forward to is to sit alone under this great big tree. Knowing how the nights creep in on me expanding my loneliness  making it sink in to my bones…hurting so deep it makes me weep…for how could it come to this ? Once again in my life the journal has become my one and only friend. How can this be ? No one to talk to, not really talk. An opening of heart’s like we use to talk, pouring our hearts out to one another…I miss you so… I remember the day you died and waiting for the coroner to show up. They said it would be a few hour’s, so I waited, the five hour’s holding your hands as they cooled slowly into that dreadful, horrible night as my heart broke slowly from the inside quietly so other’s couldn’t hear my deafening silent screams coming from the depth of my being! Why has God-given me such a capacity to love only to have that love ripped from me ? Leaving me broken and feeling hollow inside. To wonder why everyone has walked away from me ? Why? I’ve done nothing wrong! It can cause such distress to one’s heart being left alone when all I feel is the continual breaking of my heart with every breath I am given. There is a quote by Aristotle that I like, “death is evil. So the god’s decided. Otherwise they would die.”

I would trade all the god’s for one more day with you.

Missing You Always!

~Your Husband~

Peace & Blessings

~Anonymous~

 

Gifts along our paths.

Like Regina and I shared gifts, our precious gem’s along the path we shared together. Like the gifts you and I shared, and the gem’s we found, and I am still finding along my lonesome trail.

A gentlemen said the other day; “most people will never share or know what we shared.” This was in response to defending myself, my grief, my mourning in light of someone’s uncomfortableness. When I was sitting here minding my own business, daydreaming about you, and us. Staring off into space like it wasn’t even there. They knew I was thinking of you, and they, for what ever reason, didn’t want me to do that in their presence. So they called my name, and I asked; what ? Just bringing you back, is what they said. Then I got really mad, and defended my right to think about what ever I chose to, and if that means I’m thinking of my deceased wife well that is my duty as her husband. To mourn, and grieve, if people will let me, to honor our love, and devotion for one another. This is my right. They responded; “they have not lost a wife as I have, and didn’t know what I was going through.” and backed off. That is when the gentlemen mentioned earlier said what he said. Which later I thanked him for his kind, and encouraging words. Yet in all this I’m afraid my sins may have come back to haunt me, and the price is more than I can bear. I haven’t slept in two days, and the heat is unbearable. I have this grief class to go to tonight at five. and am not sure how to feel about it, or how I’ll feel after. Plus it is that special time of day, 4pm, the time you died. Some day’s it goes unnoticed, yet most day’s it’s right in my gut. Most of the time I hate all this! Yet feel blessed to be the one chosen…go figure?

Peace & Blessings~Anonymous~

@ 6-26-2012